My Memories of My Father

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

In my heart, happiness is what I coveted.

In the process of my writing, I had found the key to unlock those darkest parts of my subconscious. To dig deeper to experiences and memories, it shows me that there were bones in it which my conscious mind had blocked in order for me to placate the feelings of pain. But no matter what I do, it still lingers in my mind. I believed these memories were the one holding me back to be the best that I could be.

I’ve decided now, to write the bones of my life. Those things that hold me back, to talk about the things that I evaded. By opening it, a lump in my throat still palpable that might be possibility of tears. I want to be free from it. The freedom I longed, which will materialize only when I will give credence to these deepest pits of my miseries.

I could discuss almost any topic in life, but the thing that scared me most; the part of discussing my father and my recollections of him.

How could I start about him? I barely knew him too; but I will try as much as I could remember the experiences I had with him while he was still alive.

My father’s name was Jesse Galope Asumbrado, born on 31^st of December.  His birthday and mine is very close to each other, since mine is every 30^th of December. I do not know if that was coincidence or not, but it really makes me remember him during those days. And worst, he passed away, of all the days on the 1^st day of January. Starting on my birthday, I had mixed feelings. Just imagine, I will celebrate my birthday, it should be one of the happiest days of a person’s life, but somehow at the back of my mind, my father’s birthday the following day, then his death anniversary, which fall on the New Year’s Day. These are my predicaments, every year, the start of the year. And it sucks big time.

I wanted to be free from pain, I tried forgetfulness; but the dates of those painful events had been just not possible. As I venture into writing, I’ve discovered that I had to embrace those painful experiences to make myself whole. I have a son in my midst now, I want him to be happy. Those bones I wanted to bury, only hunts me. Therefore, I am writing it instead, to remember, uncover, and embrace it; because all those things were also a part of my life, too. It may cause so much anguish to me, but those were also part that made me whole. It made me feel like crying, only my tears seemed to be drying out years ago.

On the 1^st day of January, he passed away.  I buried him already, his life was finished in this world, but mine and my son aren’t. I may not feel the love of my father, but God had been giving me the unconditional love from my son. The emptiness that I felt while growing up; is filled up to the brim by my son. More than I had expected it to be. I too had given him what I wanted to received long before, I want him to grow knowing that no matter what, I will always be there for him; no matter what the situation is. I will go heaven and hell to be with him; because in my heart, I had wished someone had done it for me too. To stand beside me in my battles in life that no matter what will be the outcome of the situations, in my heart they will still be there. To fight, knowing that someone stands beside me, and willing to die with me in battles, is the most fulfilling antidote in my heart. I may not feel these before, but with my son, I felt the hope that I thought I lost before, all is not lost after all. My son is my ally, and for me that is more than enough. Writing this last part made me realized, indeed my tears are not that dried up; my son is my source, he is my fountain of happiness. God had saved me from oblivion and miseries, because he had given me the best gift ever. I could take all the pains and trials in this world now, as long as my son Avkez will hold my hand. I know I would never go astray.