My Memories of My Father

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

In my heart, happiness is what I coveted.

In the process of my writing, I had found the key to unlock those darkest parts of my subconscious. To dig deeper to experiences and memories, it shows me that there were bones in it which my conscious mind had blocked in order for me to placate the feelings of pain. But no matter what I do, it still lingers in my mind. I believed these memories were the one holding me back to be the best that I could be.

I’ve decided now, to write the bones of my life. Those things that hold me back, to talk about the things that I evaded. By opening it, a lump in my throat still palpable that might be possibility of tears. I want to be free from it. The freedom I longed, which will materialize only when I will give credence to these deepest pits of my miseries.

I could discuss almost any topic in life, but the thing that scared me most; the part of discussing my father and my recollections of him.

How could I start about him? I barely knew him too; but I will try as much as I could remember the experiences I had with him while he was still alive.

My father’s name was Jesse Galope Asumbrado, born on 31^st of December.  His birthday and mine is very close to each other, since mine is every 30^th of December. I do not know if that was coincidence or not, but it really makes me remember him during those days. And worst, he passed away, of all the days on the 1^st day of January. Starting on my birthday, I had mixed feelings. Just imagine, I will celebrate my birthday, it should be one of the happiest days of a person’s life, but somehow at the back of my mind, my father’s birthday the following day, then his death anniversary, which fall on the New Year’s Day. These are my predicaments, every year, the start of the year. And it sucks big time.

I wanted to be free from pain, I tried forgetfulness; but the dates of those painful events had been just not possible. As I venture into writing, I’ve discovered that I had to embrace those painful experiences to make myself whole. I have a son in my midst now, I want him to be happy. Those bones I wanted to bury, only hunts me. Therefore, I am writing it instead, to remember, uncover, and embrace it; because all those things were also a part of my life, too. It may cause so much anguish to me, but those were also part that made me whole. It made me feel like crying, only my tears seemed to be drying out years ago.

On the 1^st day of January, he passed away.  I buried him already, his life was finished in this world, but mine and my son aren’t. I may not feel the love of my father, but God had been giving me the unconditional love from my son. The emptiness that I felt while growing up; is filled up to the brim by my son. More than I had expected it to be. I too had given him what I wanted to received long before, I want him to grow knowing that no matter what, I will always be there for him; no matter what the situation is. I will go heaven and hell to be with him; because in my heart, I had wished someone had done it for me too. To stand beside me in my battles in life that no matter what will be the outcome of the situations, in my heart they will still be there. To fight, knowing that someone stands beside me, and willing to die with me in battles, is the most fulfilling antidote in my heart. I may not feel these before, but with my son, I felt the hope that I thought I lost before, all is not lost after all. My son is my ally, and for me that is more than enough. Writing this last part made me realized, indeed my tears are not that dried up; my son is my source, he is my fountain of happiness. God had saved me from oblivion and miseries, because he had given me the best gift ever. I could take all the pains and trials in this world now, as long as my son Avkez will hold my hand. I know I would never go astray.

Words Unspoken

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

 

Stillness, makes me listens to the crucial moments; and distance allows me to be near to someone. Being away had made me feel this way, that I miss you all a lot.

My love for words and using it in an utmost urgency to convey the emotions and heartfelt longing for all my friends here. Who have the same passion for words as me.

I terribly miss you all, how I wish I could hug you. But the most I could do, is by hugging thru words.

I think, I’ve been away only days, but it did feel like ages. Whatever that was, it feels great to be in here again, and be immersed with all your beautiful words, simple or complicated; but heartily shared.

Naked Truth

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

As the common adage goes, “Honesty is the best policy”.

Yes, it is true that honesty is the best choice to do; but do we practice it? I doubt it. By nature, people shy away from saying what are bothering them or what they are pondering and thinking at the moment. Why it happened? For the very reason that the truth may set a person on the right tract, but it will leave a shocked or hurt stigma. It is like a potent medicine, it is good, but leaves a bitter aftertaste on the tongue, which makes grimace one’s face. Naked truth is like that, the best way to know and will set a soul free, but it will hurt badly, yet it is good for the person.

To make these medicines tolerable, it has to be sugarcoated; the bitter taste will be eliminated; only the effect will be lessening a bit. Same thing with telling the person of what should be told, we coat it words to soften the impact, it is not really what we wanted to say, but the more subtle version. Sometimes it hit the marks, but often times it misses. The truth was convoluted, twisted because of our good intentions to placate the other person’s feelings. In the process of doing, the truth was not delivered, sad to know, but this is how we act in our everyday lives.

You want to know the truth? I might tell you, but are you ready for it? I don’t think so. The naked truths are only for those who have the strong hearts’ to change for good. Not to blame anyone but the willingness to change and find a new course of their lives. The truth could set a soul free; just endure the pain because it goes tandem with it. After that, you will be standing in the forklift, would you take the road of miseries or the road that will take you to happiness? The choice to make is clearer to see, but until then you have to learn to open your heart and mind to pain, by listening. Be vulnerable, in order to be strong. Experience the pain, in order to be happy again.

The road to happiness is simple yet uncomfortable, but one’s you tasted it, the choices will be easy. Better be a harbinger of naked truth and hurting, then be sweet yet living a life that is full of swarming worms in a can.

Hatred of Inevitable

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

Death is something we feared and detested, but something that will happen to all of us; in our hearts we says I hope not too soon, though.

If the persona of Death materializes in front of me, I would surely run away from it. I too am not immune to his gruesome presence. Picturing him with all this darkness engulfing his person, the entire black cloak that prevents us from seeing his face and the crescent spear was never of any help to alleviate any comfort on our part. A terrorizing feeling being invoked when death is discussed, and pretty much my vision of him is as close as to you as well.

How to cheat death, if confronted by its inevitable moment? Surely, it is a riddle how to go around it. Run away from it by staying out of trouble, always be on safe surroundings, and never associate with people with shady life. And also, be healthy as much as you could. Doing these things makes the Death persona at bay. It will still come, but in a more distant future. But, as our nature dictates within, we long for adventures and fun, then the death persona is indeed the busiest.

If the time is right, I might embrace Death like a long lost friend, but for now, I will run like hell away from it.

Ageing Beautifully

By Jojette Asumbrado Ramos

As I think about my age, I feel like I am dying. Like a rose, after it blooms beautifully, it withers just as nature dictates it to be.

The mirror; I had to stand in front of it, to remind me that I am not a rose or any kind of flower, but a human being. The usual occurrences in life are difficulties but as well as happiness; always go in tandem. There were moments I ponder, is growing up really an inevitable thing? I guess it is and it sucks to the core. I would love a world full of surprises and wonders, but along the way there are just responsibilities which drag me down. So what happens now is that I shifted from time to time. I face responsibilities as it should be, and when I want to zoom in this life with glee, my writing allows me to live in that savannah.

My natural self is of a happy soul and loving one too. There are people around me that want to mold me otherwise, but I will never relent to their ways of thinking. No way will I give them the satisfaction of what they think of me. This is my life, and I will design it as how I wanted it to be.

Grumpy, grumpy sinister one, I celebrate life and that will be what I will cherish forever. Drag me down, gives me no choice but to use it as my stepping stone to attain the coveted Wisdom. Those who have dark intentions in this life will just perish. I wish I could give my love for you grumpy ones, but until your heart softens and ready to listen, you could never see the best in me.